Saturday, May 21, 2011

Indian Plumpier League: The Bigger IPL !

Disclaimer: This post is a figment of imagination of the writer. This is purely a fun article and doesn’t intend to be derogatory about any of the honorable people mentioned. No way does this betray any maliciousness on part of the writer who himself is on the verge of being certified overweight.
No offense is meant about the well endowed men and women. I am ‘Broad‘-minded. When I say that, it should not be confused with the Narrow minded ICC Match Referee with an England Captain for a son.
From being Agarkar-like, time has managed to render me in the ‘just under the overweight league’ with a BMI closing in on 25. I was never known for athleticism and that perhaps is why I preferred to play and follow Cricket. Not that I was any good at that. But Cricket still remains the only field game that still offers ‘Fat‘ chances to the physically over-endowed to hold their own against the likes of Jonty Rhodes and Keiron Pollard.
There was ‘Ample‘ evidence that Samit Patel was dropped from England probables list due to the eschewed fitness standards set by the ECB. The now past India Coach had expressed concerns over ‘Overweight‘ Indian Cricketers. That was unfortunate. Just imagine if  weight or size did matter in the past, Sri Lanka would not have won their lone World Cup and England would not have won Ashes in 1987.
Here is an ode to those big ‘BIG‘ men who regaled us with their skills. Here we launch the “Indian Plumpier League” [IPL]. Let us take a look at those weighty teams and their leaders of ‘substance’. For those keen to play in the League, pound in all the pounds you can; more the merrier. The auction will strictly be held on the basis of Pounds. And all payments, hefty or otherwise will be made in Pounds too. A Pound for a Pound !
1] Chubby Supper Kings: With their love for heavy meals at night, the Chubby Kings lead from the front. So they have the Chubbiest Captain !
Leverlock, Stock and Barrel !
2] Belly Bare Devils: The Team from the Capital languishing at the bottom this season. Who can pick the spirits of this team ? Who else but the one with a belly that can scare the Devil ?
Belly that can Scare Devil !
3] Gol-Guppa Weight Ryders: Having either puny or fit skippers has been SRK’s idea of a Captain. That is why the team has never been ‘Stout‘ on field. But when you have a ‘Big Jesse’ for Captain, nobody meddles with them.
Just see Weight Ryder !
4] Binge’s 11 Fun-jab: For binge eating, binge drinking, fun and jabs, you need not look around. He is a ‘Legend’ in all. The Prince did ‘Eat’ them all up during the World Cup !
Eat all You-We can !
5] Chicken Gorgers: They can munch and gorge on anything and everything including bowling attacks and ‘Aloo Bondas’ of Hyderabad. A worthy skipper has to be a man of stature.
The BIGGEST Talent from Pakistan
6] Royal Chill-hangers Ampleore: They will just chill out on Royal Challenge and avenge all the defeats so far. The Mr. Cool of Lankan Cricket will ‘walk’ away with the Captaincy. Well, he always walked his runs.

'Run'atunga who always walked runs !
7] Boonie Warriors India: One of the all time great overweight Cricketers excelled in fielding with all his girth. He will be a Boon to any lowly placed team.

A Boon for the underdogs !
8] Cocky Tuskers Carousel: For the Cocky Mallu who walks without a care like a tusker, they finally have a merry-go-Round of tuskers. The Cockiest of them all will lead the team. Gatting, Batting, Fatting and Swatting [of Pakistani Umpires] all allowed.

Gatting Batting Fatting !
9] Bum-boy Indians: For those who love everything in big chunks. The most Powarful man in Indian Cricket will lead from the front. His style and substance will make him a ‘Roll-model’ !

Powar Power !
10] Rotundistan Royals: A Patel from England alone qualifies to lead the bunch of Rotundistan Royals. To Sum it all, will get justice at last. This completes the ensemble of ten teams.

Sum of it all Patel !
This Obese version of IPL will begin as soon as we manage to find enough players plumper than the plump to complete 10 teams. Anyone interested to join the weight-wagon, don’t wait, just shoot your applications. Weight is the only criteria !
Some patented attractions:
Cheer girls will be replaced with more ample and attractive ‘Beer Babes’. Buxom is the word !

Buxom Beer Babes !
Concessions on ticket prices to those weighing above 100kg. They will be accommodated in the exclusive ‘Century Club’.
Beer, beef and all kind of food served at subsidized rates before, during and even after the match.
Log on to our website for more details:
Govind Raj Shenoy for DieHard Cricket Fans

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