Friday, October 5, 2012

Astrology, Feng Shui and Selecting Team India

Breaking News...

The BCCI has disbanded the recently reconstituted BCCI Selection Committee with immediate effect. Mr. Sandeep Patil and Co have received the marching orders and a brand new Selection Committee with high profile "Specialist selectors" has been constituted. The regional quota has been disbanded for good.

Mr. Sreenivasan gave brief introduction of the new selection committee members. The photographs have been withheld due to the inauspicious period prevailing according to the adverse planetary positions and will be made public once the stars are favorable.

The list of Selectors

Sri. Guruvayoor Somasekhara "Kalimuthu" Panicker Avargal: A prominent practitioner of the famous South Indian black magic hails from a village near Madhurai in Tamil Nadu and he will be the Chief of Selectors. Though originally from Guruvayoor in Kerala, Sri. Panicker has vast knowledge of South Indian black magic. He will target the key players from opposition camps and make them ineffective against India with his Tantra Kriya and Shatru Paraajaya Kriya. It was with his help that CSK tamed Chris Gayle in the 2010 IPL Final. It is believed that Mr. Sreenivasan had employed the expertise of Sri. Panicker to fix Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya to Kolkotta.

Sri. Vijaylal Dhambi: An expert in planetary positions, he will decide which player has the best possibilities to succeed in a given match. He will be in charge of major selection decisions. His first reaction to his appointment is positive. He said, "Dhoni's Rahu is in south west position and that has brought a lot of bad luck". He also has advised BCCI to use golden coins for toss in future since steel is unlucky metal for Dhoni.

Smt. Sithaa Dhyaan: The famous tarot card reader and expert palmist will assist in finalizing the playing 11 during every match. She will also assess which player should bat at which number. She is the first and the only lady Selector and this is a revolutionary step taken by the BCCI. Ms. Dhyaan had rightly predicted India would win the 2011 World Cup only if Dhoni bats at No. 4. Her husband Mr. Dhyanchand Trivedi vouches for this. He added, "She also had predicted that Dhoni will hit the winning shot and that will be a six" 

Sri. Pushpak K. Rajeev: The famous Numerologist will decide on the lucky jersey number for each and every Indian player. The players will be contractually bound to wear the jersey number selected by him so that their chances of winning matches increase infinitely. He emphatically stated that his status as the leading Numerologist in India was enhanced after he changed his name from Pushpakumar Rajeev to Pushpak K. Rajeev. As a token of his service, he claims Sachin Tendulkar will be luckier and will score another 25 hundreds if he changes his name to Sachchin Tenndullkarr !

Sri. Khurram Buildingwaalah: The internationally acclaimed exponent of "Integrated Vastu and Feng Shui Science" will be the fifth selector. He will advise players to sit in appropriate positions and also decide on field positions. He is of the firm opinion that India's bowling and fielding lacked sting due to poor Feng Shui positioning. Proper practice will help them to bowl and field better. He will also examine the houses of all Indian players and suggest corrective measures to avoid evils of poor Vastu. He shot to fame after he suggested a favorable Vastu position to Yeddiyurappa in his jail cell. Mr. Yeddiyurappa managed to get bail after following Sri Buildingwaala's advice.

Sri. Sanjay Manjrekar: He will be the only Cricketer in the new selection committee and has been selected for his ability to face players with a straight face after writing or talking shit about them. Those he believes to be unfit will be given preference in selection after consulting the other 5 selectors.

Mr. Sreenivasan was quoted, "India will henceforth win all tournaments and test matches. We are confident that the new committee will do a very good job. All of them will select the team for the next series from the Holy Hills of Tirumala"

Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has hailed the BCCI decision as the right decision in the right direction. He said...

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